The Grossest of All The Gross Grossnesses

Poop.

It’s a daily occurrence. I cannot escape it; I have learned to just hold my breath and deal with it. But now, I have something to tell you that’s even funnier than Nathan’s Pooping Episodes.

Can you believe it? Something that’s funnier than poop exploding from the back of a diaper?

So this story starts off with, you guessed it, poop. But it doesn’t end there.

I was changing Nathan’s diaper. A poop diaper. That had exploded with poop shooting of the back of his diaper and all over his back and his clothes. So I removed his soiled clothes and was holding his ankles with my left hand and cleaning up his mess with my right. It was CAKED all over his back, so I had to lift his legs high into the air in order to get his back clean.

Nathan was crying his poor little head off. I am apparently raising a baby cow because his poop sometimes has this pervasive manure-like smell, and the worse his poop smells, the more he seems to cry and protest when I change his diaper.

I don’t blame him. I don’t like smelling it, either.

So Nathan was crying up a storm while I was holding his legs and cleaning his back, when all of a sudden, he made this sound like a surprised yelp followed by a short gurgle. I put his legs down and noticed the poor little guy had smeared his tears all over his face and chest.

Wait a minute.

That wasn’t tears glistening on his face and chest. Or puddled around his head.

IT WAS PEE.  Huge puddles of Nathan Pee were everywhere. He was pretty much SWIMMING IN IT… it was all over his face, his torso, and arms. And his head was resting in a puddle. And remember how I said that I was in the process of cleaning Nathan up when this happened? WELL, I WASN’T DONE. So there was some pee that had run down onto his back, making the remaining poop this viscous, brown funk that smeared everywhere… and it was quite possibly the Grossest of All the Gross Grossnesses.

Don’t scoff at a pee-poop mixture. If you have yet to deal with this, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE IN FOR.

With a heavy sigh, because ya know, this kind of stuff always seems to happen, I cleaned up the entire mess and had Nathan dry and happy in a few minutes, and he seemed to forget about the whole ordeal in a matter of seconds.

But I will never forget. No, I will never forget the day that my son peed on his own face.