When Babies Attack

My child is trying to kill me.

Ok, not literally, but sometimes it feels like it. So, I’ve mentioned before that he has teeth now… well, he’s now biting me full force during our nursing sessions. He’s like a maniacal Pac Man, only with teeth. He’s gnawing on everything again, including me. Little bitty ice picks teeth have sprouted through his bottom gums. And guess what? He has two more bulging on the top… that means two more miniature enameled fear mongers teeth are waiting to emerge, biding their time till they can stab at me as well. If it hurts this bad with only two bottom teeth, I can’t even imagine how bad it will be once the top two come through as well. Now, when he bites, it’s like reliving a contraction all over again. So when the top two come through, will it be like a never-ending experience of childbirth? Lord, I hope not.

I’m doing everything I can think to do: I’ve tried unlatching him giving him a stern “No, Nathan. No biting.” He thinks it’s a game. He grins at me, not understanding that he’s causing pain. Once, on accident, I screeched, sounding like a ethereal mix between an angry evil witch and a murderous three-legged hyena. Only because the pain was so intense that a knot of nausea formed in the pit of my stomach, my vision was obscured by a fine white fog, and I thought I was going to pass out. When this happened, his faced turned into a crumpled ball of pure unhappiness, he thrust out his lower lip, and started bawling giant, glistening Nathan tears. He was just pitiful and it took a few minutes of rubbing his little head and telling him he could still share my quest for world domination to get him to calm down. I was smiling on the inside, secretly hoping my accidental screeching scared him into realizing he can’t bite.

No such luck. In fact, he was scared to nurse during the following session, and after an hour of cajoling, I finally coerced him into feeding. And then he bit me again.

I got on the Internet, which has the answers for everything. I mean everything. Don’t know how to make grilled cheese sandwiches? Google it. Don’t know how to scratch that elusive itch in the middle of your back without using the handle of a ladle? Google it. Well, Google has failed me on this one. I’ve read articles, done the research, and he is still biting.

I bet you’re wondering if I’m reading to give up and wean him. Well, I’m not going to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very tempting. I would much rather him gnaw on a bottle than on me. I think about it every single time he bites. Every. Single. Time. But I’m not going to give up just yet… I have a few more tricks up my sleeve to try. We’ll see, Mr. Nathan, who has more willpower here. I am bound and determined to make it to at least the one year mark, as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics. Once again, we have reached a temporary setback. We’ve had our fair share of problems breastfeeding. We’ve made it this far and overcome all obstacles in our path. What’s one more hurdle to jump? This, too, shall pass. Eventually.


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