At one point, I thought I had already experienced the King of All Poops… but I had no idea what the future had in store for me.
Last night, that future was revealed. I did not like what I saw.
Nathan woke up, so as usual, Paul got him up and took him in his room to change his diaper. Then he turned on the light.
That’s never a good sign.
“Honey?” he called. I popped my head up from bed and looked at him through the hallway. “Will you come here? I need your help,” he said. He was holding Nathan, clad only in his diaper, at arms length. I plodded into the room.
“Here, just hold him,” Paul said. “I need to wipe him down. He pooped all over himself.”
I held Nathan while Paul wiped him down and while I was holding him, I looked on the changing table and saw the soiled sleeper Nathan had been wearing.
It was completely saturated in a mixture of pee and poop.
Both of the sleeper’s legs, the feet, the entire bottom, and half-way up the back were were this disgusting brownish-yellow color.
“What the…?” I said as I peered down at the mess, horrified.
Apparently, Nathan had pooped at some point in the night without waking up. Then he peed on top of it. The pee had soaked into the poop, causing it to turn into this noxious, liquid mess that oozed out of both sides of the diaper, drenching himself and his sleeper in a vile concoction of waste. Horrified, I handed Nathan back to my husband and gingerly picked up the contaminated sleeper with my thumb and index fingers of my left hand.
I still had no idea what was in store for me.
I took the sleeper into the kitchen, set it in the sink, and started hosing it down with hot water. I watched as the water draining off the sleeper turned brown. Then browner.
Then these CHUNKS OF POOP started gushing out.
I started to sweat. I didn’t want to know why chunks of poop were now decorating the bottom of the sink. I gingerly snapped open of the legs.
“HOLY SHIT! PAUL! PAUL! THERE ARE MEGA-TONS OF POOP STUCK IN THE LEG OF HIS SLEEPER!” I screeched as soon as I saw what was inside. And I wasn’t kidding. The entire leg was completely filled up with soggy chunks of Nathan Poop.
Stinky, sticky, noxious, stomach-turning chunks of poop.
“Oh disgusting!” I cried as I carefully turned the leg of the sleeper inside out. My stomach started to roll.
I doused the leg with a blast of hot water, averting my eyes towards the ceiling. I tried to steel my stomach against images of poop cascading down the drain. But blasting poop out of the leg of a sleeper is like watching a train-wreck… you try your hardest to turn your eyes, but you can’t help yourself.
You have to witness the mayhem.
I looked down.
“PAUL! PAUL! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, THERE IS POOP COMING OUT OF THE OTHER LEG, TOO!” I shrieked.
I was in a Poop Nightmare. The worst poop in all of Poop Land. A sea of unrelenting poop. Mountains of soggy chunks of poop filled up BOTH LEGS OF THE SLEEPER. How does this happen?
Where does Nathan store all this? Does it pile up inside his little body all the way up to his head? Because I’ve never, ever seen so much poop come out of someone so little. So I delicately turned the other leg inside out and blasted away the poop with more hot water.
This is my version of Hell. Being accosted by mountainous piles of poop. It was all over the sink, all over my hands. There was so much poop that it had practically developed its own entity. It was taking over my mind.
After Nathan, his swing, his clothes, the sink, and myself were all cleaned up, we went back to bed.
Visions of poop haunted my dreams.
This, my friends, was the Master of Mega Poops. It was awful. Mega Poopage Awful.