2. Toddler poo stinks. Oh yeah. And let’s not forget that poo will sometimes explode out of the diaper. When this happens, your toddler will more than likely roll around in it.

3. It takes you 50 minutes to do what people without kids can do in 15.

4. Everything in your house will be destroyed at one time or another.

5. Water gets everywhere when you bathe them.

6. Love hurts. I can’t even think about what life would be like if something happened to Nathan without turning myself into a blubbering, snot-dripping crybaby.

7. Choose your battles, and choose them wisely. Sometimes you have to lose a few battles to win the war and keep the peace.

8. When your toddler is unhappy, EVERYONE IS UNHAPPY.

9. Always keep a handful of toys out of circulation. That way, when your toddler has a meltdown, you can surprise him and keep him entertained for a while with a “new” toy.

10. You lose any and all privacy. Have to poo? Too bad. You have three options: hold it until nap time, poo with the door closed while your little one has a complete meltdown on the other side of the door, or let him in the bathroom and try to keep him from unraveling the toilet paper, emptying the trashcan, licking the floor, shredding the magazines, and going back in the “no kid zone” behind the toilet. All while trying to do your business.

11. You will be inundated with unsolicited advice. And the kicker? Most of this advice will be useless for you and your child.

12. You might lose some of your friends. Many people without kids just don’t get it. They don’t understand how you’re so busy, or why you can’t take 10 minutes out of your tantrum-evading, poo wiping, constantly-teaching-your-kid-how-to-behave, feeding, disciplining, emotionally and physically exhausting day to call or email them. They don’t understand that when you get a small break, you want to be alone with your thoughts so you can recharge,  because these people are too busy being self-absorbed to notice that it’s not about them. However, there are other people without kids who DO understand, either because they have the power of empathy, they have been around many other parents with kids for long periods of time, or they have younger siblings. Hold these people close, for they are few and far between.

13. When all else fails, turn on Blue’s Clues, Sesame Street, or Dora.

14. Never underestimate the power of Mommy or Daddy’s kiss on a boo boo.

15. Your back will hurt. A lot. And then! Then, when your back doesn’t hurt, you will start to CREAK.

16. When eating, most of your toddler’s food may end up on his face, bib, lap, or on the floors. Or walls. Or your hair. Or the back of your neck.

17. You will find little bits of food squirreled away in the most random places.

18. There is nothing in the world comparable to your child kissing your cheek or wrapping his arms around your neck in a huge hug. It’s addictive.

19. Don’t be surprised if you try to breathe in your child while he sleeps.

20. Toddler toes are delicious. So are their fingers and hands.

21. Peas and corn do not digest completely. Neither do blueberries.

22. Feeding him too many carrots will turn him orange.

23. Do not smell sippy cups that have been left out. Or even open it up and look at it, for that matter. Just close your eyes really tightly, cover your nose, and dump that crap down the sink with hot water.

24. Prepare for WWIII if you have to skip or delay nap time, change his diaper, or tell him “no” for any reason whatsoever.

25. Smooth legs? Ain’t gonna happen. Just like you won’t win the lottery nor will you quickly and effortlessly lose that 60 lbs you packed on while you were pregnant. Also? YOU WILL NOT SLEEP.

Oh, little guy. There are so many other things in life that are so much worse than Mommy taking 2 minutes to PEE.

I’ve had to carry him around so much so that I swear my right arm has become significantly stronger than my left one. Hopefully, it won’t be as obvious as that dude from Lady in the Water, though. I thought the size difference in his arms was just creepy.

But you know what? Nathan totally makes up for this semi- frustrating phase by doing some really super duper cute things. For instance, he hasn’t mastered the whole bending over thing, so when he’s holding onto the coffee table and drops a toy, he’ll slowly move his legs into the splits until he’s low enough to retrieve his toy. And all the bubbly noises he makes as he plays with his toys are just downright adorable. So are those cheeky grins and his laughter that is so hearty that it often reverberates throughout the room.

How I love watching him develop. I get so nostalgic watching him play sometimes because as I watch him, I’m thinking about how just BARELY A YEAR AGO, he was this tiny, helpless, and very loud miniature human who couldn’t even hold his head up on his own, much less make his way around a room.

I am in constant awe at how quickly the time passes.

It happens once you have a baby. Something happens to your brain. I don’t know if the lack of sleep mixed with raging hormones causes the brain to… oh I don’t know, EAT ITSELF… or what, but something happens and you start to do things.

Weird things.

Nonsensical things.

BIZARRE things.

Like leaving the house with mascara on only one eye. (ONE EYE!) Or losing your keys and later discovering them in the freezer. Or putting the milk in the cabinet instead of the refrigerator.

Yes, I have done all of those.

Well, I totally have a case of Mommy Brain since Nathan was born. Have you ever heard the saying so-and-so would forget her head if it wasn’t attached? 

Well, guys. I AM SO-AND-SO.

I am THAT person who would totally forget her head. Thank GOD they aren’t detachable, right?

I mentioned before that my OCD has malfunctioned. Yes, I used to be that person who always had everything all nice and neat and perfect. Everything was exactly where it should be. Things didn’t get misplaced all too often.

But now, Mommy Brain has taken over. Ever since Nathan was born, I’ve been so very forgetful and… I think you could even say SCATTERBRAINED.

Just the other day, my husband made a pot of coffee. Now, I love coffee even though I rarely drink it. Paul makes a his own blend at the store, and let me tell you, it is FABULOUS with some whipped cream and chocolate syrup. WATCH OUT, STARBUCKS.

So anyway, Paul made coffee the other day and it smelled so good that I could have eaten the AIR. I raced to the kitchen and poured myself a generous cup of coffee, complete with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. I retreated into the living room to enjoy my treat when Paul was all like, baby, what’d you do with the pot of coffee? And I was like, it’s right there in the COFFEE MAKER, duh (complete with a know-it-all lilt.) He was like, no it’s not- oh wait. There it is, on the stove eye. THE STOVE EYE. You put the coffee on the STOVE EYE.

I’m sure, my friends, I will have many more of these stories to come.

This time last year, I was 39 weeks pregnant and ready to meet my little guy! Little did I know that he would actually arrive SIX DAYS after his estimated due date. (Exactly why it’s ESTIMATED, right?) An extra six days may seem like a walk in the park to some of you Mega Moms… but me? Me, I was in agony. That was six extra days of bloating, back pain, insomnia, waddling, swollen ankles, and achy bones. Even my TOENAILS were in pain.

Valentine’s Day ‘09

Seriously, I don’t see how some of you do it. You make pregnancy look so easy and… fun! But for me, during the first four months, I was so weak that it put even a bad case of the flu to shame. I didn’t have the energy to WIPE OFF THE COUNTERS.

That’s some serious fatigue.

But hey. It takes a lot of energy to GROW A LUNG, right?

And oh, the morning sickness. I couldn’t keep anything down. Nothing. I remember before I could even get out of bed in the mornings, Paul had to bring me a glass of apple juice and some saltines. And he was not allowed to jostle the  bed. And yes, that included NO WIGGLING HIS TOES.

The morning sickness was so over-the-top vicious that just the SOUND of someone farting made me throw up. Seriously. Whenever I heard someone fart, even if they were in the other room, I would puke. And everything, I mean EVERY. THING. made me gag. But not just a regular old gag. No, I would gag like I was about to projectile-puke up a massive hairball. WHO DOES THAT?? Well, folks. Apparently I do when I am pregnant.

And get this. I would throw up and the very sight of it would make me throw up even more… so before you knew it, I was on this vicious cycle of throwing up, which made me throw up, which made me throw up… so yeah, I was in the bathroom constantly. It was becoming my second home.

Then there was the second trimester. It was easier than the first for me because the extreme fatigue and nausea finally subsided when I was about 18 weeks pregnant… but then the body aches started. And I had this uncontrollable urge to thoroughly clean and reorganize the entire house.

Only I had this intense back pain that only abated when I wore HEELS.

As in, HIGH HEELS.

So here I was, in my second trimester with a bulging belly and sweat pants (because you know how important comfort is to pregnant women) and high heels, cleaning the kitchen.

The third trimester?

IT FELT LIKE DEATH.

Oh, the pain. Pain, pain, pain. Every single step I took was agony. My feet were swollen. My toes cramped a lot. And my back? It felt like someone had jammed a hot poker into my lower back and left it there, jostling it every couple of minutes for some extra oomph. And constant peeing. The most sleepless night I ever had, I got up to pee nine times..

NINE TIMES. IN ONE NIGHT.

But you know what? Even though I had a painful pregnancy that was nothing like the giddyness that I had imagined, I wouldn’t give any of that up for anything, though. My little guy is so worth it! And I would go through all of that and worse just to have him here with me.  And I know there are so, so many women out there who would give anything to be able to get pregnant. I am very fortunate… and all the “negatives” about pregnancy just give me something to joke about later.

Yesterday was the first day in over 100 days that I took a break from writing in my blog. I have to admit, it was nice.

Well, maybe not as nice as a  big bowl of deliciously fattening chocolate ice cream, but pretty damn close.

Even though it felt good to finally allow myself to take a break, I still felt weird not writing. I walked around most of the day feeling like I was only wearing one sock, or like I hadn’t brushed my teeth, or like I only put mascara on one eye. (Yes I have done that before, put mascara on only one eye. AND WENT OUT IN PUBLIC.) You know the feeling. That nagging sensation that you’ve forgotten to do something, only you can’t quite put your finger on exactly what it is you forgot to do.

And I didn’t forget to blog. I just chose to take a break. But all day long, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had forgotten something.

In other news, Paul and I will be celebrating our ONE YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY this weekend! A whole year! Together! With a baby! And poop, lots and lots of baby poop! We have survived!

WE HAVE SURVIVED!

I feel like standing on the rooftop with a loudspeaker and shouting, “HEY FOLKS! WE SURVIVED OUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE… WITH A POOPING BABY!”  Because to me, that’s a pretty big deal. We are still married and couldn’t be any happier, even though we always catch ourselves discussing Nathan’s bowel habits on a daily basis.

You know you married your soul-mate when you can talk about baby poop and still find your partner overwhelmingly attractive.

So for our anniversary, Paul’s mom said she’d watch Nathan for us while we go on a date. We’re really, really excited to have some Us Time. Of course, we love Nathan more than life itself, but after a while, we start craving that elusive Us Time like there’s no tomorrow. So Saturday, we’re dropping the little guy off at Grandma’s house and we’re going out to celebrate our wonderful first year of marriage.

We will not, however, be discussing Nathan’s bowel habits.

Yes, I am patting myself on the back. With a huge, goofy grin plastered on my face.

And I’m going to make myself a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream (and not the low-fat kind), drizzled with Hershey’s chocolate syrup because I deserve some high-calorie goodness!

This blog started out as a record of Nathan as he grows up. Paul and I now have something we can read to reminisce about the good times, the not so good times, the sleepless times, and the mega-poop-filled times. Then, a couple weeks ago or so, we put some ads up to help offset the cost of keeping this site up and running. Any additional money earned from you guys clicking on the ads will be used for Nathan’s college tuition because Paul and I feel strongly about him getting an education. And I now have an outlet, a way for me to relieve stress and anxiety. I have something that I really enjoy doing… writing.

Since I have met my goal of writing for at least 100 consecutive days, I’m now going to take a deep breath, relax, and write a little less often. Don’t worry, I’ll still write often enough so that you don’t go into Nathan Withdrawals, but don’t be surprised when I take a day off here and there.

Thanks for reading, my friends, and I hope you continue to stay with me as Nathan grows from infanthood to toddlerdom, as my once-thick hair gets thinner with each handful that Nathan surreptitiously yanks out (yes, I keep believing his loving strokes of my hair will end in baby kisses rather than painful bald spots), and as Paul and I figure out how to be good parents.

Thanks for being there though it all, everyone!