life with a new baby
Posts tagged lessons
Learning to color
Oct 18th
So there’s a lot about this New Mommy thing that I don’t know. One of those being that Nathan should know how to use a crayon by now. It never even crossed my mind to let him try until he was at his last well-check at the doctor. I feel so horrible when I find out I should have taught him something but didn’t. So we are working on learning how to color. Progress is slow. Nathan mostly wants to just jam the crayon onto the paper but hey. Slow progress is better than no progress!
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSKq4P1U3HA
(Those scribbles? That was me trying to show Nathan how to color.)
Thirty-six inches of shame
Sep 26th
Sushi. I have this thing about sushi. LOVE IT. Sushi is my all-time favorite food ever. Well, other than chocolate. So Paul and I went out to eat the other night and stuffed ourselves full of absolutely delectable sushi. Afterwords, we decided to play some pool. (We LOVE to play pool but unfortunately have not had many opportunities since Nathan joined the family… so we indulge ourselves with a few games on the rare night out without the kid.)
So after we settled ourselves in, I excused myself to the restroom. When I came out, there was a booth near the restrooms manned by representatives from a local gym who were handing out free gym passes. One of the guys asked me if I would be interested, and as I politely declined, a waitress came up to me and said, “Excuse me, but you’ve got some toilet paper stuck to your shoe.”
I looked down.
Sure enough, I did have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe. And it wasn’t just a couple little squares of toilet paper. It wasn’t even a foot or two of toilet paper. Nope, I had at least THREE FEET of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my classy wedges. Crumpled up, damp, dirty and possibly-used toilet paper.
Thirty-six inches of pure mortification.
How does that even happen? I mean, who in the hell pulls out three long feet of toilet paper, possibly uses it, and then just drops it on the floor? I mean my goodness, THERE ARE THIRTY-SIX INCHES OF TISSUE TO HOLD ON TO!
Even worse, how in the hell did I not notice this long flowing trail of crumpled foulness that was trailing lazily from my foot?
Because chocolate milk should never be wasted
Aug 20th
So yesterday, as I was cleaning the kitchen, I had Nathan in his room with the baby gate up. When I was done cleaning, I decided to make myself something to eat, along with a cold glass of chocolate milk. I poured my milk, walked into the living room, and set it on the coffee table as my lunch was heating in the microwave. Nathan, in the meantime, wanted to hang out with me. So I walked him from his room to the living room, where I left him for a total of ten seconds in order to retrieve my lunch from the microwave.
When I returned to the living room with my lunch, Nathan had discovered my glass of chocolate milk. And by discovered, I mean he had put his entire arm, UP TO HIS ELBOW, inside the cup. And when he saw me looming in the living-room doorway, his eyes became about as big as saucers and he completely froze. With his entire arm planted firmly in my delicious glass of chocolate milk.
Yes, I still drank it.
Every last drop.
What I’ve learned from having a toddler
Jul 23rd
1. Sometimes it’s easier to just push toys around with a vacuum instead of picking them up. I am guilty of doing this quite often.
2. Toddler poo stinks. Oh yeah. And let’s not forget that poo will sometimes explode out of the diaper. When this happens, your toddler will more than likely roll around in it.
3. It takes you 50 minutes to do what people without kids can do in 15.
4. Everything in your house will be destroyed at one time or another.
5. Water gets everywhere when you bathe them.
6. Love hurts. I can’t even think about what life would be like if something happened to Nathan without turning myself into a blubbering, snot-dripping crybaby.
7. Choose your battles, and choose them wisely. Sometimes you have to lose a few battles to win the war and keep the peace.
8. When your toddler is unhappy, EVERYONE IS UNHAPPY.
9. Always keep a handful of toys out of circulation. That way, when your toddler has a meltdown, you can surprise him and keep him entertained for a while with a “new” toy.
10. You lose any and all privacy. Have to poo? Too bad. You have three options: hold it until nap time, poo with the door closed while your little one has a complete meltdown on the other side of the door, or let him in the bathroom and try to keep him from unraveling the toilet paper, emptying the trashcan, licking the floor, shredding the magazines, and going back in the “no kid zone” behind the toilet. All while trying to do your business.
11. You will be inundated with unsolicited advice. And the kicker? Most of this advice will be useless for you and your child.
12. You might lose some of your friends. Many people without kids just don’t get it. They don’t understand how you’re so busy, or why you can’t take 10 minutes out of your tantrum-evading, poo wiping, constantly-teaching-your-kid-how-to-behave, feeding, disciplining, emotionally and physically exhausting day to call or email them. They don’t understand that when you get a small break, you want to be alone with your thoughts so you can recharge, because these people are too busy being self-absorbed to notice that it’s not about them. However, there are other people without kids who DO understand, either because they have the power of empathy, they have been around many other parents with kids for long periods of time, or they have younger siblings. Hold these people close, for they are few and far between.
13. When all else fails, turn on Blue’s Clues, Sesame Street, or Dora.
14. Never underestimate the power of Mommy or Daddy’s kiss on a boo boo.
15. Your back will hurt. A lot. And then! Then, when your back doesn’t hurt, you will start to CREAK.
16. When eating, most of your toddler’s food may end up on his face, bib, lap, or on the floors. Or walls. Or your hair. Or the back of your neck.
17. You will find little bits of food squirreled away in the most random places.
18. There is nothing in the world comparable to your child kissing your cheek or wrapping his arms around your neck in a huge hug. It’s addictive.
19. Don’t be surprised if you try to breathe in your child while he sleeps.
20. Toddler toes are delicious. So are their fingers and hands.
21. Peas and corn do not digest completely. Neither do blueberries.
22. Feeding him too many carrots will turn him orange.
23. Do not smell sippy cups that have been left out. Or even open it up and look at it, for that matter. Just close your eyes really tightly, cover your nose, and dump that crap down the sink with hot water.
24. Prepare for WWIII if you have to skip or delay nap time, change his diaper, or tell him “no” for any reason whatsoever.
25. Smooth legs? Ain’t gonna happen. Just like you won’t win the lottery nor will you quickly and effortlessly lose that 60 lbs you packed on while you were pregnant. Also? YOU WILL NOT SLEEP.
Recent Comments
Aww thanks, Tina, it was good to see you too! I wish I could have talked to you more... I ...
I'm sorry you all had a rough go yesterday, but it was good to see you both :) I have ...
Thank you, I appreciate that. It's so cool to hear people say that we look alike... I've been told there ...
Awww... what really nice photos! You two look so alike, especially with the way you smile.