life with a new baby
Posts tagged humor
Nathan’s 2nd Christmas
Dec 29th
Finally!! I am posting Nathan’s Christmas pictures!
Christmas was great. Ok, make that really freakin’ adorable. When Nathan first came into the living room, he didn’t even notice the presents under the tree. But once he DID notice them, he made a beeline right for the Christmas tree, craning his neck as his arms waved ahead of him as if to summon the presents directly into his slobbery outstretched palms.
After he opened some of his presents, he played with them and was really enjoying this thing called Life when all of a sudden the Bad Mood Fairy came and pooped on everything. Nathan was having so much fun playing with the presents that he had already opened that he absolutely did not want to open any more. Paul and I would hand him a present only to have it slapped away with a dissatisfied grunt. He let us know that he needed to play with his newly opened toys for a while (as in, we had to delay the rest of Christmas!) before he would even think about opening any more. Which I would have never expected. I’ve always heard of kids ripping through all of their presents before playing with them. But Nathan’s already proven to us that he’s not like other kids… he makes up his own rules!
Toys!
Having a very important conversation with Ernie
Ooh! I wonder if I can get in there through osmosis?
Didn’t work. Maybe this book will teach me how to do it.
Andrew sez ozmosis worx evry time.
Paul was apparently too slow for Nathan, so Nathan decided to “help.”
Oh sweet, sweet success!
Can life get any better than Hot Wheels?
Why yes, it can. Just sit in a box and you will understand.
“Don’t worry, Daddy. I’ll help you get the toy out.”
Showing us how to REALLY rip open a present
He is quite pleased with his loot
It’s no wonder I gain weight during the holiday season
Dec 20th
What a weekend!
First, Paul and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary this weekend. It was great! We had such a fantastic time… Nice dinner, playing pool, and just spending time together. Nathan was able to spend the night with Paul’s mom, so that was wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, Nathan is a great little guy (I seriously couldn’t ask for better) but every so often, I am desperate for some peace-and-quiet.
In fact, I enjoyed myself so much this weekend that it’s no surprise that I gained a few pounds.
And Paul’s birthday is coming up! So I’ve been doing lots of Christmas shopping, birthday shopping, present wrapping, chocolate eating, money spending, card writing for the past few days. And let me tell you, dealing with the general public this time of year is draining. Why can’t people just be NICE? I mean, it’s Christmas, after all. Will it kill them to reciprocate a smile when I smile at them? Or not cut me off in traffic?
Good thing Santa really isn’t real or else what about 90% of the population around where I live would be getting lumps of coal for Christmas
Better yet, I’ll take all those lumps of coal myself and deliver them personally and individually, right at their heads. And then I’ll take those bloody lumps of coal back home and keep them as souvenirs. That way the next time someone is rude to me, I can get a secret feeling of evil satisfaction knowing that the last person who was rude to me got a lump of coal thrown at their head.
I’m totally kidding.
Ok not really. Well actually, yes I am kidding. Sorta. Mostly. I mean, I would never actually harm someone, ever, but sometimes it feels great to pretend like I am capable.
Pee Pellets. Yes, I said Pee Pellets.
Dec 16th
I’m beginning to lose my faith in diapers.
Did you know diapers can malfunction? Seriously, they really can.
I had to change Nathan’s diaper, and as I was getting his pants off, my fingers slid across what felt like a thousand boogers on his leg. Flummoxed, I pulled my up my hand and upon closer inspection, it looked sorta like there was caviar on it.
Only it wasn’t caviar.
Oh how I wish it had been caviar.
Wondering what this booger-like stuff was and where it was coming from, I examined Nathan’s diaper and noticed it had a 4″ rip in the side. When I peered inside this anomaly, I noticed that apparently, the stuff they use to absorb the pee looks like little tiny gel pellets once it comes in contact with liquid.
The liquid these pellets were swelled with was URINE.
So I had little squishy, yellow, booger-like pee-pellets all over my hand. And on his leg, too. I looked around and noticed that the pee pellets were all over the bedroom floor. I felt my heart drop into my stomach as my eyes roamed from the bedroom floor to the kitchen floor. There were pee pellets everywhere. Perhaps MILLIONS OF THEM. Glistening, shiny, and swollen with pale yellow urine. In the kitchen. In the living room. In the recliner that’s in the living room. And in fact, there was a little PILE of shimmering pee pellets ON THE RECLINER. Like Nathan had taken a dump and instead of leaving poop, he left pee pellets.
There were pee pellets EVERYWHERE.
And as I walked from his bedroom and into the kitchen, I stepped on them. Barefoot. I was walking on little balls of urine. I could feel them squishing coldly under my feet. It was a very unpleasant sensation and it felt very much how I imagine walking on dead baby jellyfish might feel like.
Even worse than the aquatic mental imagery was that we couldn’t just haul out the vacuum and vacuum it up because WHO WANTS A PEE IN THEIR VACUUM? Not me. So we had to go around and manually pick up Nathan’s little balls of pee with our bare hands.
So. We won’t be buying that particular brand diaper anymore, that’s for sure. Because picking up someone’s pee pellets just ONCE in a lifetime is one time too many.
Am I easily annoyed? Or would this irritate you, too?
Dec 15th
You know what drives me crazy? When I’m driving in my car and I get behind someone going FIFTEEN MPH under the speed limit. And then? Then, when the road widens to two lanes on each side and I try to pass them because they are going FIFTEEN MPH UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT, the speed up to THIRTY MPH OVER THE SPEED LIMIT. Does this make ANY sense to you??? Any sense at all? Good, because it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me either.
Oh. And just a lil tidbit to all the stupid people out there who pull crap like this (because you seriously have to be stupid for your brain to be unable to compute how UNCOOL said act truly is): My car may be a POS, but it’s a manual. So it doesn’t matter how much you speed up to prevent me from passing you- all I have to do is slam it down into a lower gear and I can pass you right up. While gloating. And sending you evil mind-voodoo while I’m out it.
You know what else I hate? When the shower curtain sticks to me while I’m trying to shave my legs. It just… wafts right in on me, sticking to me like it’s really Saran Wrap and not a shower curtain. Makes me want to take my razor blade and cut something (preferrably not myself.)
Recent Comments
Aww thanks, Tina, it was good to see you too! I wish I could have talked to you more... I ...
I'm sorry you all had a rough go yesterday, but it was good to see you both :) I have ...
Thank you, I appreciate that. It's so cool to hear people say that we look alike... I've been told there ...
Awww... what really nice photos! You two look so alike, especially with the way you smile.