life with a new baby
Posts tagged diapers
Master of Mega Poops
Nov 18th
At one point, I thought I had already experienced the King of All Poops… but I had no idea what the future had in store for me.
Last night, that future was revealed. I did not like what I saw.
Nathan woke up, so as usual, Paul got him up and took him in his room to change his diaper. Then he turned on the light.
That’s never a good sign.
“Honey?” he called. I popped my head up from bed and looked at him through the hallway. “Will you come here? I need your help,” he said. He was holding Nathan, clad only in his diaper, at arms length. I plodded into the room.
“Here, just hold him,” Paul said. “I need to wipe him down. He pooped all over himself.”
I held Nathan while Paul wiped him down and while I was holding him, I looked on the changing table and saw the soiled sleeper Nathan had been wearing.
It was completely saturated in a mixture of pee and poop.
Both of the sleeper’s legs, the feet, the entire bottom, and half-way up the back were were this disgusting brownish-yellow color.
“What the…?” I said as I peered down at the mess, horrified.
Apparently, Nathan had pooped at some point in the night without waking up. Then he peed on top of it. The pee had soaked into the poop, causing it to turn into this noxious, liquid mess that oozed out of both sides of the diaper, drenching himself and his sleeper in a vile concoction of waste. Horrified, I handed Nathan back to my husband and gingerly picked up the contaminated sleeper with my thumb and index fingers of my left hand.
I still had no idea what was in store for me.
I took the sleeper into the kitchen, set it in the sink, and started hosing it down with hot water. I watched as the water draining off the sleeper turned brown. Then browner.
Then these CHUNKS OF POOP started gushing out.
I started to sweat. I didn’t want to know why chunks of poop were now decorating the bottom of the sink. I gingerly snapped open of the legs.
Idon’twannaknow Idon’twannaknow…
“HOLY SHIT! PAUL! PAUL! THERE ARE MEGA-TONS OF POOP STUCK IN THE LEG OF HIS SLEEPER!” I screeched as soon as I saw what was inside. And I wasn’t kidding. The entire leg was completely filled up with soggy chunks of Nathan Poop.
Stinky, sticky, noxious, stomach-turning chunks of poop.
“Oh disgusting!” I cried as I carefully turned the leg of the sleeper inside out. My stomach started to roll.
I gagged.
I doused the leg with a blast of hot water, averting my eyes towards the ceiling. I tried to steel my stomach against images of poop cascading down the drain. But blasting poop out of the leg of a sleeper is like watching a train-wreck… you try your hardest to turn your eyes, but you can’t help yourself.
You have to witness the mayhem.
I looked down.
“PAUL! PAUL! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, THERE IS POOP COMING OUT OF THE OTHER LEG, TOO!” I shrieked.
I was in a Poop Nightmare. The worst poop in all of Poop Land. A sea of unrelenting poop. Mountains of soggy chunks of poop filled up BOTH LEGS OF THE SLEEPER. How does this happen?
Where does Nathan store all this? Does it pile up inside his little body all the way up to his head? Because I’ve never, ever seen so much poop come out of someone so little. So I delicately turned the other leg inside out and blasted away the poop with more hot water.
This is my version of Hell. Being accosted by mountainous piles of poop. It was all over the sink, all over my hands. There was so much poop that it had practically developed its own entity. It was taking over my mind.
After Nathan, his swing, his clothes, the sink, and myself were all cleaned up, we went back to bed.
Visions of poop haunted my dreams.
This, my friends, was the Master of Mega Poops. It was awful. Mega Poopage Awful.
Wiggle Worm
Oct 7th

I’ve noticed that the older Nathan gets, the harder it is to change his diaper. When he was a newborn, he laid still… making diaper changes easy. I had no idea what was in store for me. Now, his legs are all over the place. If he’s not attempting to completely consume his entire foot, he’s wrapping his toes around my hair and trying to yank even more of it out of my already balding scalp. (My hair has to stay in a ponytail at all times… if his hands aren’t grasping for it, then it’s the feet I have to look out for.) He flops around, rolling from one side to the other with his fists up in the air. Then, once I successfully remove the soiled diaper, he clamps his legs shut, crossing them at the ankles and preventing me from getting a new diaper on him. Sometimes I just have to stop and stand back, waiting for him to tire out just so I can finish changing his diaper.
Of course, Nathan thinks all this is very, very funny. Me, not so much.
The Fountain of Eternal… Pee
Sep 19th
Nathan telling the camera all about the peeing incident
My son woke up from his nap crying, so my husband (being the generous husband that he is) attempted to change his diaper.
That’s right, I said attempted.
Paul laid Nathan down on the changing table and removed his soiled diaper under the misconception that once Nathan pees, he won’t pee again for at least another five minutes. So there Nathan was on the changing table, laughing and flapping his arms in the air when all of a sudden, a perfect arc of pee shot out and drenched Nathan, the changing table, and the floor… miraculously missing my husband my mere inches. The surrounding area was sparkling with droplets of pee everywhere.
And somehow, my husband had a surprised look on his face.
“Nathan’s not done this in months!” he exclaimed. Well, that’s because we’re normally really quick about diaper changes. Before we take the soiled diaper off, we make sure the Velcro tabs on the clean diaper are open and that the diaper is unfolded. As soon as we remove the soiled diaper, we scoot the clean one underneath him.
But for some reason, my husband had a momentary lapse in judgement. He thought he had enough time in between pees to take off the old diaper before the new diaper was poised and ready to catch any impending disasters. But once again, Nathan proved him wrong. That little guy pees so much, however, that I’m actually surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. There have been times where I’ve changed five wet diapers in the span of only two hours. He’s like a fountain of pee… eternal., never ending streams of pee. I can’t even tell you how many diapers I have changed since Nathan’s birth. Probably billions. And that’s not even counting the number of times I’ve been peed on from leakage, putting the diaper on wrong (click here to read that story), and not getting the diaper on quickly enough.
I had no idea babies could pee so much. And before Nathan was born, I would have never in a million years thought I would be discussing baby pee…
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