Archive for December, 2010

It’s no wonder I gain weight during the holiday season

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What a weekend!

First, Paul and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary this weekend. It was great! We had such a fantastic time… Nice dinner, playing pool, and just spending time together. Nathan was able to spend the night with Paul’s mom, so that was wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, Nathan is a great little guy (I seriously couldn’t ask for better) but every so often, I am desperate for some peace-and-quiet.

In fact, I enjoyed myself so much this weekend that it’s no surprise that I gained a few pounds.

And Paul’s birthday is coming up! So I’ve been doing lots of Christmas shopping, birthday shopping, present wrapping, chocolate eating, money spending, card writing for the past few days. And let me tell you, dealing with the general public this time of year is draining. Why can’t people just be NICE? I mean, it’s Christmas, after all. Will it kill them to reciprocate a smile when I smile at them? Or not cut me off in traffic?

Good thing Santa really isn’t real or else what about 90% of the population around where I live would be getting lumps of coal for Christmas

Better yet, I’ll take all those lumps of coal  myself and deliver them personally and individually, right at their heads. And then I’ll take those bloody lumps of coal back home and keep them as souvenirs. That way the next time someone is rude to me, I can get a secret feeling of evil satisfaction knowing that the last person who was rude to me got a lump of coal thrown at their head.

I’m totally kidding.

Ok not really. Well actually, yes I am kidding. Sorta. Mostly. I mean, I would never actually harm someone, ever, but sometimes it feels great to pretend like I am capable.

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Pee Pellets. Yes, I said Pee Pellets.

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I’m beginning to lose my faith in diapers.

Did you know diapers can malfunction? Seriously, they really can.

I had to change Nathan’s diaper, and as I was getting his pants off, my fingers slid across what felt like a thousand boogers on his leg. Flummoxed, I pulled my up my hand and upon closer inspection, it looked sorta like there was caviar on it.

Only it wasn’t caviar.

Oh how I wish it had been caviar.

Wondering what this booger-like stuff was and where it was coming from, I examined Nathan’s diaper and noticed it had a 4″ rip in the side. When I peered inside this anomaly, I noticed that apparently, the stuff they use to absorb the pee looks like little tiny gel pellets once it comes in contact with liquid.

The liquid these pellets were swelled with was URINE.

So I had little squishy, yellow, booger-like pee-pellets all over my hand. And on his leg, too. I looked around and noticed that the pee pellets were all over the bedroom floor. I felt my heart drop into my stomach as my eyes roamed from the bedroom floor to the kitchen floor. There were pee pellets everywhere. Perhaps MILLIONS OF THEM. Glistening, shiny, and swollen with pale yellow urine. In the kitchen. In the living room. In the recliner that’s in the living room. And in fact, there was a little PILE of shimmering pee pellets ON THE RECLINER. Like Nathan had taken a dump and instead of leaving poop, he left pee pellets.

There were pee pellets EVERYWHERE.

And as I walked from his bedroom and into the kitchen, I stepped on them. Barefoot. I was walking on little balls of urine. I could feel them squishing coldly under my feet. It was a very unpleasant sensation and it felt very much how I imagine walking on dead baby jellyfish might feel like.

Even worse than the aquatic mental imagery was that we couldn’t just haul out the vacuum and vacuum it up because WHO WANTS A PEE IN THEIR VACUUM? Not me. So we had to go around and manually pick up Nathan’s little balls of pee with our bare hands.

So. We won’t be buying that particular brand diaper anymore, that’s for sure. Because picking up someone’s pee pellets just ONCE in a lifetime is one time too many.

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Am I easily annoyed? Or would this irritate you, too?

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You know what drives me crazy? When I’m driving in my car and I get behind someone going FIFTEEN MPH under the speed limit. And then? Then, when the road widens to two lanes on each side and I try to pass them because they are going FIFTEEN MPH UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT, the speed up to THIRTY MPH OVER THE SPEED LIMIT. Does this make ANY sense to you??? Any sense at all? Good, because it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me either.

Oh. And just a lil tidbit to all the stupid people out there who pull crap like this (because you seriously have to be stupid for your brain to be unable to compute how UNCOOL said act truly is): My car may be a POS, but it’s a manual. So it doesn’t matter how much you speed up to prevent me from passing you- all I have to do is slam it down into a lower gear and I can pass you right up. While gloating. And sending you evil mind-voodoo while I’m out it.

You know what else I hate? When the shower curtain sticks to me while I’m trying to shave my legs. It just… wafts right in on me, sticking to me like it’s really Saran Wrap and not a shower curtain. Makes me want to take my razor blade and cut something (preferrably not myself.)

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Happy feelings do exist

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If this doesn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, then you have a heart of stone.

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