Ode to the Monster that Eats My Sleep
There is a nasty monster scurrying around here who eats my sleep.
Try as I might to catch up on my sleep, this gremlin scampers in and, as quietly as a predatory cougar, steals it. I can imagine how it must hover over me while I am peacefully snoozing, rancid drool oozing from its yellowed fangs, remnants of its last victim’s sleep still decaying on its thick, sharpened claws. I can see its eyes roam hungrily over my head as I snuggle contentedly under the covers, glinting in the pale moonlight with anticipation at the very thought of causing yet another foggy day.
The total accumulation of stolen sleep over the past 6 months is catching up with me. I all too often find myself walking around in a thick, misty fog, stumbling over my own two feet, forgetting the simplest of tasks, stuck in my own little world of Imaginations Gone Awry.
I miss the days when I was young and full of energy, able to go a night without sleep due to cramming for midterms and finals while in college.
I also miss those days because I was skinny, flat bellied, and stretch-mark free.
Those days are GONE, and I am morbidly aware of that fact.
Now, as I am rapidly approaching 30 with no brakes, each minute of missed-out sleep follows me around like a cancerous black cloud, occasionally raining putrid torrents of misery down upon my head.
And the head of my husband. And every single other unlucky critter to cross my sleep-deprived path.
To the monster who keeps stealing my sleep, you are a bad, bad sleep monster and I hereby fire you. You are ordered to slither to another slumbering household in another dimension and infect them with your bad-mood slime because this mommy is tired of being tired. You will be defeated, you little monster.
You and your little dog, too.
If you don’t leave this realm, I will maniacally dismember your rotting limbs from your scrawny green body, piece by piece, and I will wear you as my second skin, like a trophy.
My bed is beckoning. This time, odiferous sleep monster, you will not be crouching under the bed, quivering with excitement.
Look out world. Here comes some magical days filled with bliss and boundless energy!